* Star salesman, beet farmer, bed & breakfast proprietor, aspiring freelance bodyguard, office building owner, and former assistant [to the] regional manager

* Able to vanquish customer resistance through physically imposing alpha-male traits and insatiable, merciless, jackhammer-like techniques

* 13-time winner of Salesman of the Month award in 2005 and Salesman of the Year

* Leader and mentor of underlings

* Expert in martial arts weaponry, paintball, and pre-industrial German